


Patch of Shadow, Patch of Light

by Elleth



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Separations, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 00:16:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16712809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elleth/pseuds/Elleth
Summary: Lalli muses on past and future. A continuation of Page 18 II.





	Patch of Shadow, Patch of Light

**Author's Note:**

> This page sniped me straight in the heart, so trying to write some of that down seemed like the best idea. I've kept Lalli and Emil's relationship canon-compliant, I think, but that also means you're welcome to read it as shippy if you squint; I know I do. 
> 
> Lalli's dialogue is only mildly altered from Page 952 I.

Lalli had hated that brief moment separating him from the rest of the crew, ignoring Taru, standing in the shadows by himself while the morning bustled on around him. He hated the bustle, too - too much noise and too many people, the stink of sea and fish and the fact that it was nothing like a forest.

He hated it even more to be standing next to Onni. The hand on his shoulder that was too heavy and the hint of cold in it seeped even through the layers of clothes and glove. How sleepless and colourless and composed Onni looked in that patch of shadow.

Lalli hated the reassurances Onni tried for most of all. He didn't hate _Onni_ , of course, but he hated the nothingness that loomed ahead for him under Onni's care in Keuruu - never speaking about Tuuri again because it'd break Onni, the fragile-wrongness that he'd hated all the way back when they'd first pulled into Keuruu on their old ship and that was going to happen all over again now, while the world moved on like all was normal. 

He'd try not to dwell on it, and dwell on it all the more. It was always that way with him, had always been. It was his mistake twice over - not being quick enough, just as it had been then with his diligence, scrawling _kyllä_ after a night he'd barely escaped with his life himself, that was just like getting distracted by the horse ghost and the fire and the trolls in front of him instead of the one that'd slipped his notice until - until the second time he wasn't quick enough and all he could do was to sing up Tuuri's empty body from the sea. 

It'd not be fine. They'd not be fine. Not like this. 

Maybe he couldn't do anything to redeem himself; he wasn't even fully trained, even if he knew now that he had power enough to raise his luonto and defeat a giant by himself, even if both had cost him. That was something you grew from. But it wouldn't give him wings to fly the Birds' Path into Tuonela and bring Tuuri's souls home as Onni had done with his itse out of the Dream Sea. He couldn't fight the Swan, or the gods and monsters there. 

But maybe it was worth trying. Anything was better than Onni being like this, and pretending so hard that everything was fine. 

He hated that word too, anytime it wasn't true, even when he said it himself. 

He'd told Emil he was fine, too. And Emil hadn't believed him, in a way that made Lalli almost happy. Emil had tried to find someone to talk to, instead of pretending, and if the ship was so stupid that they didn't have anyone like the person he wanted, that wasn't Emil's fault. 

Emil, who was looking for him even now. At least Lalli thought he was, in that patch of sunlight in the busy street. He stood still, observing for a moment. 

"No," he told Onni. "I have to go. I need… my friend." 

The same sort of goodbye that wasn't really one as twice over, on the ship that'd taken them out of Keuruu, and that time he'd not even known they'd ever come back out of the Silent World. He hated it. He hated not being able to look Onni in the eye. "I don't know if I'll be back."

But he stepped out into the light and the busy street, and called Emil's name, and let Emil prattle and smile and lead him away through the bustling people.


End file.
